What if asking for consent kills the mood?
In sexual situations, making someone feel safe and respected is always the right thing to do. But, if the mood is ruined because you asked a question (“Can I kiss you?”) it is safe to say that the mood probably wasn’t so hot to begin with. Just think about how ruined the mood would be if your partner felt uncomfortable, unsafe, and/or disrespected and you didn’t notice or care enough to ask why. Moreover, think about how both of your lives would be impacted if you sexually assaulted your partner. Coogs ask because Coogs Get Consent.
What if someone is out of it?
Having sex with someone while s/he is drunk or high (“out of it”) is a very bad idea. Since drugs and alcohol can affect a person’s ability to make decisions, including whether or not s/he wants to engage in a sexual activity, deciding to have sex with a person who is out of it subjects you both to tremendous risk. In fact, a majority of the sexual assaults experienced by college students occur in situations involving the consumption of drugs and/or alcohol by the victim, the assailant, or both.
What if the person you are with is too out of it to give consent?
If you think that the person you want to be intimidate with is too out of it to give consent because of drugs and/or alcohol, you should not engage in a sexual activity with that person because they may be incapacitated. If you do, you run the risk of sexually assaulting that person. That would be awful for the both of you.
What if you are out of it while you’re making a move?
Alcohol or other drugs can lower inhibitions and create an atmosphere of confusion over whether consent is freely and effectively given. However, an individual who performs sex acts without the permission of the other person most often cannot claim to be too drunk or high to know what he or she was doing. If you are too out of it, you should not engage in any sexual activity because being intoxicated or high is never an excuse for engaging in sexual misconduct.
What if you see a friend who is out of it?
If you see a friend who is out of it and is being intimate with someone, you should safely intervene by pulling he or she aside to make sure everybody is safe. If it’s the opposite situation, and your friend is trying to engage in a sexual encounter with someone who is out if it, you should try to safely pull them aside and stop them from getting themselves into trouble. That’s what Coogs do for other Coogs – we care enough to intervene.
What if the aggressor isn’t a stranger?
Most people think of sexual assault in terms of some strange creepy guy breaking into dorm rooms late at night, but this is not usually the case in a college setting. Unfortunately, many of the sexual assaults that occur on college campuses occur between people who know each other. In fact, most of sexual assault cases involving university women are perpetrated by people they know: boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, friends, roommates, etc. Some students may not realize that an unwanted sexual activity committed by someone they know, sometimes referred to as acquaintance or non-stranger rape, is a form of sexual misconduct and is prohibited at UH. Whether or not to report this violation may be a difficult decision for you. This is something that Coogs understand. So here are some options for you to consider:
- You can report it. We encourage you to get help. Click here to get help for a sexual assault.
- You can get counseling. You may not want to report the assault but you may want to talk to someone about what happened to you. There are counselors on and off campus that can assist you. Click here for their contact information.
- You can weigh your options. There is a lot of information available on the internet regarding sexual assault and surviving one. We have gathered some information here to assist you.
What if the aggressor is someone you’re dating?
Even in an intimate relationship, consent is still needed to engage in a sexual activity. In other words, being in a dating relationship does not mean that the rules of consent have changed and can now be assumed or implied. This is not the case at all. Instead, intimate relationships require that you both share the responsibility in making the relationship safe, healthy and fulfilling. When it is not, the following example could occur:
My boyfriend was over the other night, and he was a little drunk. I allowed him to sleep in bed with me but I did not want to do it. But he kept pushing me for sex, even when I said “no.” The next thing I know, he gets on top of me and forces himself inside of me. I mean, I just froze, like from shock, but I didn’t scream or fight back – I couldn’t move. I’m not sure if I was raped because I didn’t fight back but he shouldn’t have done that. He says he couldn’t help it because he was drunk… he says he can’t remember what he did. Unfortunately, I do.
This is an example of a sexual assault. The victim clearly did not provide consent to a sexual activity and was denied his or her (this could be a same-sex sexual assault) right to decide if sex would happen that night. Consent requires activity or behavior that shows clearly that the sexual activity is agreeable – and saying “NO” certainly made it clear that s/he had not consented!
Also – the fact that s/he “froze” – or held still – does not mean s/he consented. S/he had already indicated that she did not want sex, and his or her failing to fight back or resist does not mean she changed his or her mind.
Finally, the boyfriend’s use of alcohol does not excuse his behavior. He might not have done the same thing if he was sober, but he is responsible for what he did while he was drunk.
What if your friend is aggressively approaching someone?
If you notice that your friend is the aggressor in a sexual situation, or that the person may not be consenting to the activity that your friend is proposing, you need to step up, and safely intervene. Now, safely intervening means just that so don’t do anything to get yourself or anyone else physically hurt. Safely intervening could mean using positive peer pressure to help stop abusive behaviors that may lead to a sexual assault. For example, if you overhear someone talk about taking advantage of a partner sexually, let the person know how uncool and wrong you think that is. Since silence can be mistaken for approval, do not remain silent when you hear stuff like that. And when you notice behavior like that taking place, assess the situation and safely do what you need to deescalate it. If the situation becomes unsafe for anyone, call the police. If it’s a situation where you and maybe your friends (or her friends) can safely interrupt or distract your friend, then do that. Consider these examples of safe interruptions or interventions:
- What are you doing? C’mon man, were better than that.
- You must really like her. Why don’t you get her number and call her tomorrow when she has sobered up some? I bet she would like that.
- Hey, come with me to the (store, bathroom, outside) for a second. I need to talk to you
- Dude, why are you still texting her? You’re probably creeping her out. I’d give her some space
- Man, this party is dead. I heard everyone is at… Let’s go there
Just remember, when you interrupt you’re friend’s possibly unwanted sexual activity, he or she be oblivious that his or her actions were putting him and her at risk and may not want to stop. So…
- Approach your friend as a friend – help him or her understand that you’re watching out for them
- Do not be antagonistic or rude or violent
- Recruit help if necessary
- Keep yourself safe
- If things get out of hand or become unsafe, contact the police
What if I am going out?
As Coogs, we enjoy having a good time. However, we also realize that it’s just smart to have a plan before we go out. Here are some ideas for you to consider for your plan for the evening
Go to parties or clubs with friends you trust. While part of the fun in going out is meeting new people, the people you go out with should be people you know and feel the safe with. These folks are your friends, and they know that if the situation isn’t right for you, your feelings should be taken seriously. In fact, you and your friends should plan how, as a group, everyone will look out for each other and get home safely
Leave the club or party with the people you really know. Don’t leave the party by yourself or with someone you don’t know very well. You knew this might happen and that’s why you planned for it. Stick to your plan
If you are of LEGAL age and you plan on drinking alcohol… you need to consider the following:
- Before you go out, eat a full meal. Just make sure that the meal contains a lot of protein. Protein slows down the absorption of alcohol
- Appoint a “designated sober person.” This person is the one friend who won’t drink and who will look out for the group by checking on them regularly
- Set a limit for your drinking and stick to it
- Pace yourself and alternate your drinks with water. Depending on your size and other factors, as a guide you can assume that it takes about an hour to process each alcoholic drink
- Stick to one type of alcohol. Switching between beer, alcohol, and wine might make you sick. It’s hard to enjoy yourself if you are sick
- Avoid drinking games. Needless to say, a drinking game should not be in your plan at a club or a party.
- Watch out for your drink. Realizing how enticing free drinks may be to some, know that it is a risk to accept drinks from people you don’t know. But if you do, at least consider the following:
- If someone offers you a drink from the bar, accompany the person to the bar to order your drink, watch the drink being poured, and carry the drink yourself
- Don’t leave your drink unattended while talking, dancing, using the restroom, or making a phone call. If you realize your drink has been left unattended, discard it
- Don’t drink beverages that you did not open yourself
- Don’t share or exchange drinks with anyone
- Don’t take a drink from a punch bowl or a container that is being passed around
- Don’t drink anything that has an unusual taste or appearance (e.g., salty taste, excessive foam, unexplained residue)
- Don’t eat the fruit in a drink
Trust your “gut” feelings. If you start to feel uncomfortable or unsafe in a situation, listen to your feelings and act on them. Get yourself out of the situation as soon as possible
Don’t be afraid to ask for help or “make a scene” if you feel threatened. If you are being pressured or made to feel unsafe in anyway, let the other person (and more importantly your friends) know how you feel and get out of the situation (in the safest way possible), even if it’s awkward and even if you embarrass the other person or hurt his or her feelings
What if I am hosting a party?
If you or your organization hosts a party, please be responsible and plan for your guests’ safety. You can do that by doing the following:
- Have fun but have limits. Remember, your actions could have disastrous consequences on your life or the lives of your guests. Be smart.
- Close doors to bedrooms and private areas to limit theft and other activities that might put your guest in danger
- Provide plenty of food and nonalcoholic drinks (mocktails). Avoid providing too many salty foods so people do not drink more because the salt made them thirsty
- Don’t push alcoholic drinks on anyone and if your guests do drink keep the guests and the drinks inside of the residence
- Have sober monitors to check ID’s and watch your guests to make sure they are safe. If you see someone who could be in trouble, help them. That’s what Coogs do
- Transportation a call. Remember as a party host, you are responsible for the actions of your guests who leave your party intoxicated
- Stop serving alcohol 90 minutes before the party ends. This will give your guest time to sober up
- Make sure that nobody, even you, is pressured to do things that he or she does not want to do. Don’t participate in violent or criminal acts or get involved in any activity that makes you feel uncomfortable
- Stop serving alcohol to anyone who seems out of it or is acting in an aggressive manner
- Make sure your guests get home safely! Plan to have designated drivers available or give local
- Don’t ever “join in” or “go along” with people who are abusing another person. And if you see that going on at your party, stop it. If you can safely intervene, do so. If not, call the cops
What if I am the victim of sexual misconduct?
If you are a victim of sexual misconduct, you are encouraged to report what happened to you. You can report it to UHDPS, to EOS, DOS, Wellness, to your professor, or counselor (CAPS), or to anyone you feel comfortable disclosing this information to. Click here for reporting resources that are available to you.
We know reporting sexual misconduct is a hard thing for many people, especially if it involves someone you know. Some students who are victims of sexual misconduct fear reporting it because they are afraid that no one will believe them or that they did something to cause it or that they are worried about the impact the report will have on their friends, family, and future. As Coogs, we understand that reporting sexual misconduct takes courage, support, and the willingness to go public with a very private experience. That is not easy and is not always the best choice for everyone. You may not want to do this and that is ok. This decision is entirely yours.
However, as Coogs, your safety is important and by reporting sexual assault, it not only allows UH to help reduce the risk of this ever happening to you again, but it also increases the safety of other Coogs.
As Coogs, we respect whatever decision you make. However, UH has policies and people in place to help you. For resources that can help you in your decision, please click here.
What if I witnessed or have information regarding sexual misconduct of a Coog?
Every Coog, meaning every faculty, staff, and student, has the duty to report what they know as it relates to sexual misconduct. If you have information that a Coog has been a victim of sexual misconduct, please click here to report it.